Pythons, Laughter and Little Old Ladies with Box Cutters:
Jake “The Snake” Interview

5/4/07

I have been a fan of Jake “The Snake” Roberts ever since I can remember. There was something mysterious about the way he conducted himself both in and out of the ring and I don’t think there has been anyone in the wrestling business to date…that can do a “promo” interview the way he can. “I’m like a mirror that’s too dark to see into and too hard to break” is my favorite quote that has stayed with me for all these years. He got his nick name from being thin and he would slide in and out of the ring …almost “snake like.”  The snakes came later in his career. I used to raise snakes as a hobby and of course…Jake always had a python or a cobra in that bag he carried to unleash on his victims…which made me cheer for him even more! I followed his career as he slithered through various wrestling companies, wrestling at some of the biggest events in the world, spreading trouble like: “The hood of a cobra” wherever he went. Then I watched the movie “Beyond The Mat” and it bothered me. The movie chronicled various wrestlers, two of which are my favorites: Jake and Mick Foley and literally the ups and downs of the business. It showed Jake in a very different light. Here was my hero at one of the lowest points in his life for the entire world to see. The light cast upon him revealed that during this time in his life, instead of grappling with a wrestling opponent….he was battling his very personal demons.

 

So, as I stood and waited to meet Jake I wondered two things: “Would he be the “Calculating, Manipulating Enigma” that I watched wrestle all those years or would he be the “Demon Plagued Loner” depicted in the movie?  Well, in typical Jake Roberts style…I got neither! The man I met was not only very open and sincere but also one of the funniest people that I have ever met. I mean he had me laughing so hard… I was crying! As the interview went on, we kept laughing harder and harder and towards the end we even haggled over the number of questions that I could ask. But, he also has the very, very serious side of him that when he looks you in the eyes, it’s like he’s actually looking through them to your soul. 

 

The Entertainment Nexus- How have you been?

Jake “The Snake” Roberts- Miserable, like a sore…ya can’t beat it! (Laughing)

TEN- What have you been doing with yourself lately? (Laughing)

JTSR- That’s kinda personal. (Laughing) What am I doing? I’m opening up a school, man. A wrestling school and it’s gonna be completely different than all other schools. I’m actually gonna train these people…which is different. I’m not rippin’ them off…which is very different. See, people come to train and they want to do two hours in a ring and they expect to get it all together from there.

Impossible! If you’re going to learn something about somebody…be able to help somebody…you’ve got to know more than what you see going from page twenty-two through page twenty-six, which is what you get with WWE. “Worst Wrestling Ever” you know, that’s what it stands for. (Smiles)  You’ve got to get inside there head… especially what I do. I’ve got a place outside of Gainesville, Florida; I bring ya down for a weekend. You stay Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday at my place. You eat there, sleep there…it’s all included. This way, I’m able to get inside your mind…see what you’re really about. That way if I need to go in there and cut this switch off, turn that knob on…burn the whole damn place to the ground, whatever I need to do…I can do it. This way, I can teach. No, I don’t do it every weekend…hell no. I want these people to come in for a weekend and then come back a month or six weeks later and let me see what they’ve retained. Let me see what they’ve done with the model I gave ‘em. And, if they’ve screwed it up…I’m gonna kick their ass and do it again and really make them miserable. It’s not a Holiday Inn…no, it’s not. But, it’s good food and it’s a good time and if you survive it chances are…the bedwetting will stop soon. (Laughter) I do suggest counseling and the noise in the closet…it’s not real, okay. (Both laughter) Again, it’s not a pleasure cruise man. I do things to people sometimes to twist ‘em…to see their reaction…to see where they go with it…see what they want next…see if they run. I’ve been doing this for thirty-three years and sonofabitch if I’m still “The Main Event!” I don’t get it…do you? I must be doing something right. When I first started wrestling, all I needed was a pair of tights and a little baby oil. Hell, now I gotta put tape on, put Ben Gay on, put Poly Grip on…front and back…whatever.

It’s like I gotta take this, I gotta do that. Shit, I gotta comb my hair a certain way to cover up a bald spot. This sucks, okay?

The only reason I still do it is because there’s nothing better in this world than going out there and being able to entertain to pardon the expression: “Masturbate their Emotions.” …because, that’s what you’re doin’. Wrestling is like sex. You take them on a “Hot Ride” and hopefully you pop the “good one” last, not first. Some of them today…don’t “pop” at all. There’s no better feeling than to look down at some child’s eyes and see ‘em glistening. Seeing their emotions run through ‘em whether good or bad. Whether they like you or don’t like you…at least you motivated them, at least you’ve got them feeling again. Or, to look at some granny out there that’s about ready to pull a box cutter and slice your nuts off or something.

I have an old woman cut me one time while going to the ring.

TEN- Huh uh…

JTSR- Yeah…yeah. I had security around me and all of a sudden the security’s gone. I’m like “What the Hell?” I turn around and this old woman’s lying down and security’s got her.  I said “Is she having a heart attack?”  “No man…she cut you!” I thought “yeah, right…bullshit! Well, they brought her back later and asked me if I was gonna press charges and I looked at her and asked “Why?”

By then her family had gotten there. This woman didn’t drive. She’d taken a taxi. She’d been tellin’ her family: “He’s a no-good man. He needs to be stopped! He’s evil. I feel like going down there and takin’ care of him myself.” So, she did. Now, here’s a woman that sat there and told her children and grandchildren that she didn’t like me and that “She’s gonna take care of me.”  They laughed at her.

How must have that made her feel? Them laughing at her…“Oh Granny, shut up…you’re silly.”  So, she acted on it. Now, some people would be pissed off about that. Me, it’s one of the greatest times I’ve ever had! To motivate that woman to do that…wow, wow that’s a rush.

She probably never had a threesome (Both laughter)

A guy in Dallas Texas stands up while I’m wrestling Sting…nine rows back, pulls a pistol and starts shooting at me. I get out of the ring rather quick. (Both laughing)  Sting, as dumb as he is, he’s in the ring going “Whoa.” Yeah, okay…

They brought him in the back and it was a little bit different there. They were like “Do you want to press charges?”  “Oh Hell no, just reload that sonofabitch and let him back out there!” I mean, what the? This is a bit much here ya know? It went a little far. He could have hit a fan or something. He could’ve hit my ass too. Plus, this is my home state. It made me feel really bad, man. Damn! This is home and they’re tryin’ to kill my ass! I could understand if it was a state that one of my ex-wives are at. But not there! (Both laughter)

When you can make people step out of their body and try to take control…then you’ve done something. When you can make that person forget about their problems at home. When you can make that child forget about school or kids making fun of him or maybe something horrible that happened to him. And it does happen. They should hang ‘em all, man. Hang the bastards all!

But, that’s when it’s real, that’s when it’s fun. That’s what I call “real fun.” The rest of the day man, my body aches like hell but when that bell rings…I don’t feel a damn thing. So…why not? I hope I can wrestle until the day I die. Either that or die like my grandfather…in his sleep. Not like the nine people that were in his car screamin’. (Both laughter) He was drivin’. (More laughter)

You see, insanity does help. See if you’re stupid, people look at you: “Yeah, that’s a stupid sonofabitch over there.” But, if you’re crazy…they won’t say a damn word to ya. You know what I’m sayin’? That’s where I choose to be. That’s why I carry that damn snake around. It’s not like I love the sonofabitch. Give me a break. The snake I love doesn’t have scales, it has warts. (Both laughter)

I gotta stop talking like that. Oh, were you asking questions? That was one question wasn’t it?

That is a classic brain fart. I don’t know where it came from, why it smells like that, but there it was. (More laughter)

TEN- (Laughing) You’re a trip, man…

JTSR- Next! Hopefully the next answer won’t be quite as long.

TEN- You’re credited with training various wrestling superstars. Give me a rundown of the roster.

JTSR- Well, there’s two ways to train people. There’s the “Hands On” way where you’re face to face with them. Or, you go out and set your example. You teach them by having them captivated by watching you. Sometimes I laugh because there are some wrestlers in this business today that should be out in the damned audience. They’re probably just too damned cheap to buy the ticket. (Laughs) That’s a fact, man…sonofabitch! Whether it was (Steve) Austin…Undertaker...DDP (Diamond Dallas Page)… Raven or The Road Warriors. By the way, I just taught Hawk. I didn’t teach the other asshole. (Grins)

He’s in the Ohio State Penitentiary…I can’t help that. But um, there’s others down the road too that you touch by what you do or by one on one. My legacy and my happiness doesn’t come from the money I make. Cause, I could give a shit about the money…never have…never will. See that’s the difference between me and a lot of these guys like Kevin Nash. If I ever wanted to give oral sex to a man, I’ll do it cause I want to. I’ll never do it for a job. Did I say that out loud? Sorry…

It doesn’t matter, ya know? I don’t wanna say “Oh yeah…I trained that guy” because hey man, I just touched ya man. That’s all. The guys that carry on and make themselves “Superstars” and stuff…they had what it took in the beginning. They just didn’t know how to harness it or have that knob turned, switch flipped or whatever. It does do the heart good when these guys are standing strong and they’re like: “Hey Jake.”  Boom…that’s all I want. That’s all I need.  That right there’s my “High.” That’s the reason I want to teach these kids today, man…my students. That way when I’m eighty years old and I pinch a nurse on the ass in a rest home and they tie me to my bed…at least I can watch wrestling I like. And, it won’t be WWE. (Smiles)

TEN- You’re also credited with setting the platform for Steve Austin and his “Austin 3:16” saying. Tell me how that went down.

JTSR- Brain Fart! You know, they missed the “Big Ticket.” I wanted to do “Austin’s Ten Commandments.”  “Thou Shall Not Kill…Unless Thou Are Pissed.” “Thou Shall Not Cover Thy Neighbor’s Wife…Unless She’s Really Hot.” Thou Shall Honor Thy Mother And Father…Unless They’re Assholes.” You know, right on down the line. You gotta take what’s available and Steve Austin at the time, was one of the most underrated there was. What was funny is Vince McMahon said “He’ll never be above third or fourth match on a card!” I said “Vince, you’re wrong. That’s your next Superstar…Big Superstar!” He was like “No way, it’s impossible.” Six weeks later the journey took off. Whether it was the stuff he did with (Brian) Pillman…that, I had a big part of. Sometimes it’s not what you do, it’s what you make people think you’re gonna do. The anticipation of the act is more than the act itself. Sort of like sex. You work for two months trying to get somewhere and then find out it’s like “Aw shit, I’ll go somewhere else.”

TEN- Who were some of the most enjoyable wrestlers that you’ve worked with?

JTSR- Ronnie Garvin, Andre (The Giant), Rick Martel, Undertaker, Honky Tonk Man…shit man it goes right on down the line, very few jerks. I won’t even say their names. I don’t want to honor them except for…except for…Na, shit I ain’t gonna say his name.

TEN- Let’s have it…

JTSR- Why in the hell should I say that fat bastard from Denver, Colorado’s name? I can’t do that. I won’t “in-Vader” your space to do that.

TEN- Let me throw this one at you. What’s your opinion of Vince McMahon?

JTSR- (Long pause) You know, as queer as it sounds, I try not to think of him. (Laughs) Vince McMahon’s an unbelievable, marvelous business man…vicious to the damn bone. He’d cut your throat in a second. The only way he knows is to win. He’ll do anything to do it. Wise…because he’s hired people that knew what they were doing. Ignorant…because he’s prostituted a good thing…shame on you Vince. I’d love to help the man but he doesn’t want help. His ego’s too big. But, “Thank you” Vince for not trying to make money. Cause nobody can do what I can do! Work!

TEN- How did it feel to steal Hulk Hogans’ “thunder” when the two of you had a brief feud? (Editor’s note: Fans started cheering for Roberts instead of Hogan)

JTSR- How did it feel? It sucked! I’m not in competition with the other guys, okay? My job is to go out there and do what I’m asked to do…go in what direction is pointed. It cost me millions! (Smirks) But, “Thanks” fans because at least it tells me that you do know more than what they think you do. I have nothing against Hulk (Hogan). He did what he was supposed to do. He ran the match the way they wanted him to do it. Thank God that I wouldn’t. I made up my mind a long time ago that even though the world could make sure that I didn’t have a family, a mother and father, the perfect house, this or that, it might take all of my money; it might put me in jail for stupid shit that I’ve done. It may take my life. But, one thing that this world can never take from me is my word. I have to give that away. I’ll tell you exactly what I am. I’m not ashamed of what I am. I would rather be a drug addict or an alcoholic or an asshole than be a fuckin’ liar. If you’re a liar, shame on you because in the end man, you don’t have a goddamn thing to hold onto.

TEN- Speaking of Hogan and his reality show, if you had one, what would it be called?

JTSR- “To Know Me Is To Blow Me” (Laughs) No, that’s not it. I have no idea. It would probably be something stupid like: “Woodworking 101” It damn sure wouldn’t be; “Crack 101.” Drugs are bad kids. Alcohol’s bad. I will say this, man. I’m not proud of where I went with that shit. But, I’ll tell ya I’ve been to rehabs and I’ve been in jails. I’ve never met an alcoholic or an addict that says; “You know, when I was a little kid when I grew up…that’s what I wanted to be. I wanted to be an alcoholic or an addict and kill myself” No, nobody chooses that shit. Well, you do choose it the first time. Don’t do it!

TEN- How has the wrestling business changed over the years?

JTSR- Well (Smiles) you have what they call “The Old School.” I’m not from “The Old School.” I’m from the school that burned down before they built “The Old School.” That was great wrestling! Today, they make chicken soup out of chicken shit…that’s all I can say! I mean my God; wrestling’s supposed to be wrestling not comedy, not a goddamn talk show. Not a “T&A” thing. They got channels for that shit. I know where they are, call me, I’ll tell ya. “Beat 101”…I don’t know. (Laughs) Budda Bing!

TEN- What do you remember most about Owen Hart?

JTSR- (Long pause) I met him when he was nine years old. At nine years old, that kid could remember what everybody did in that ring…the year before. He had an unbelievable memory. They called him “The Brain.” If somebody would’ve told me that he was gonna be a wrestler…I’d have said “No, he’s gonna be a brain surgeon.” God Almighty, I wish to hell he had because his wrestling cost him his life. Thank God I’m not a judge…they’d rot in hell.

TEN- You know I have to ask you about your thoughts on the documentary: “Beyond The Mat.”

JTSR- Next!

TEN- Okay…

JTSR- I tell you what. I was pitched to do a movie called: “Beyond The Bullshit” from this asshole producer type guy. (Very frustrated actions)

When I hit the lottery I’m gonna move in next door to that sorry sonofabitch. I’m gonna take his kids to school for him. I’m gonna mow his yard. I’m gonna put oil on his wife’s back by the pool. I’m gonna walk his goddamn dog. But, when that sonofabitch dies…I’m gonna hurt his kids like he hurt mine!

TEN- Tell me something disturbing about yourself that you’ve never revealed before.

JTSR- (Long pause) I love bald men (Both bust out laughing)…that interview me in a nasty place (Both laughing) in Ohio…with a hangnail on his thumb. It really hurt but I loved it! (Roaring laughter) Something I’ve never revealed…I don’t know. I’ve been real honest about myself and about what I’ve been through. There are things that are gonna be coming out in my book that people are still gonna be blown away by. But, it’s not to glorify me or not to expose me. It’s to, for God’s sake help some kid out there that going through the same horseshit. I mean it’s not like you get a gold medal for having the “Worst situation lived through” or a gold medal for “Being raped by your stepmother.” No, you don’t get a gold medal for that shit, man. It’s just a sad, sick world, man. Unfortunately, because of the press…the television…they’re making us so calloused that nothing hurts anymore. Thirty-two kids die in Virginia and it’s “short news”, man. There’s really no emotional trauma. My God! What’s wrong with this world when a guy can go out and buy seven hundred and fifty rounds of ammo? He doesn’t have a problem…no it’s a goddamn party…it’s a fuckin’ Easter egg hunt ya sonofabitch. It’s just wrong, man. What hurts even more is that there are a lot of people out there that wants to think they can beat that number! For God’s sake folks…wake the hell up! Moms and dads don’t look at your kid and say; “What’s wrong with him?” If you want to know what’s wrong with your kid, go into the bathroom and check your fuckin’ mirror. You didn’t do it right. You didn’t spend time with him. You didn’t stand your ground. You lied to him. “You’ll have a beautiful life and grow up and get married and live happily ever after.” Why don’t you tell him about the time mom that you fucked six guys? Why don’t you tell him about that bullshit? Why don’t you tell him that you made mistakes? Why don’t you be straight with him instead of telling him;” Tommy, you’re so bad. You’re no good!” Well, you’re not the “Pulpit Preacher!” Be honest! There ain’t any of us perfect. If we were perfect, He wouldn’t have given His Son on that Cross, man. (Pointing upward) What does God expect of us? Not a damn thing. If he did…He would’ve given up!

 

You can find out more about Jake “The Snake” Roberts at www.officialjakethesnakeroberts.com

 

I would like to thank James Hines and especially Dave Yocum for going “above and beyond” to make this interview happen.